he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
