I think im going to throw up on grandma
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
a search helicopter?!
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
