I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
