now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
