We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
