my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
