youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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