if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
