Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
