it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
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im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
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So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
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