So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
