True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
