Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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