is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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