It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
