i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
