I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
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