Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
