I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
19 Groupies Confess What It’s Really Like To Hook Up With Famous Rockstars
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering