You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
