Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
