he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
