Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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