____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
