im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
