note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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