I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
