So drunk its hurt
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
