I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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