the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
FUCK WHALES
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
