and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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