so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
