She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
