I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
