Having a random hookup so left but love u
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
