3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
