He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
