Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
