I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
a search helicopter?!
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
