I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
