Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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