my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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