Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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