Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
