Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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