I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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