Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
