She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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