I bet he comes in French.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
