I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
