you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
