I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
