I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
