I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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