i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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