The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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