Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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