its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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