My Higher Power is John Stamos
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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