i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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