At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
