Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
