hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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