I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
