Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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