I met the friendliest cop last night
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You left your phone here
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