I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
